Natalie Vartanian's Blog

Snowfall, Shedding and Sea Creatures

Where do I even start??? It has not even been a full month since my last post (in addition to coming back from Costa Rica) and the whirlwind that is my life seems to have picked up steam, as opposed to dying down. Thank Goodness for that! By the way, you might want to grab some tea or coffee or take your fifteen-minute break because this is one massive blog post. What can I say, that’s what happens when you don’t write for FOUR weeks!

Who knew when I decided this past January to come live in Reno May through mid-June that so much would have opened up for me? I honestly cannot explain how it came to be. I guess I knew. Deep down in my gut I knew. This is one of the big lessons I am truly learning this year. Maybe it’s not as much a lesson as a confirmation that “I know”. For someone who most of her life has been guided by logic first, and heart second, this idea that your intuition can steer you in the direction you are supposed to head was a pretty foreign and risky concept. Yet I am realizing it cannot be ignored. What possessed me to say YES to Costa Rica was the exact same thing that compelled me to call Reno home for a month; not just Reno, the home of Sheryl and Martin specifically. We get these “hits” all the time, we just don’t listen. And sure, half the time they are probably wrong, yet it’s in following these “moments of inspiration” that we open up to the opportunity of some amazing ass shit happening. Life IS a gamble and you either play or you don’t. One thing is certain though: the chance of winning the pot does not even exist if you don’t show up to the game.

I still recall so vividly the last day of my trip to Reno earlier this year. I stayed at Sheryl and Martin’s house for three nights and they opened their door so enthusiastically to not only me, but some of my friends, as we invited them over for dinner a couple of times that weekend. I went snow shoeing for the first time, saw Lake Tahoe for the first time and attended service at a Spiritual Center they attend for the first time. I felt so nurtured and cared for, so at home. My heart was full despite the emotional roller coaster I was on the last couple of days. To be around a loving, healthy, connected couple brought up some old wounds: I mourned the lack of that love and example throughout my life which hurt, a lot, and it highlighted the harsh reality of being an orphan. Yet, simultaneously, the fact that I got to finally experience being around a “mom and dad” had me on cloud nine, absolutely overflowing with love.

The last day I spent with a friend and since I was spending the night at their place, I said my good byes to my adopted mom and dad after dinner. The next morning, I was literally driving home on the freeway and as I passed where Sheryl and Martin lived, I burst in to uncontrollable tears and the thought “I don’t want to leave, not yet” was on full blast in my brain. I wrestled with it at first, wondering why I was being silly and trying to pull myself together. Yet the feeling in my gut was wrenching, so instead of ignoring it, or listening to the other voice that was saying “Don’t overextend your welcome Natalie. They have probably had enough of you”, I heeded my intuition, which was saying “There is some unfinished business between the three of you.” I called Sheryl right away and asked if I could come over for tea on my way home. I stopped by their house and spent the majority of the day with them, which led me to understand why the draw back was so strong. After feeling how much I wanted to be a part of all they were up to, as well as knowing it was their energy I wanted to be around as I begin the arduous process of writing my book, I shared my scheme of returning to live with them for a month in May. When they both agreed that was a great idea without so much as a pause, I finally felt complete.

This last month has been amazing in such a subtle and understated way. Much in the same way that Costa Rica turned out to be a trip about remembering to enjoy the simple things and return to my own healing process, being here offered a continuation of exactly that. Reno has provided a lovely backdrop of stunning snow capped mountains, tranquil small town energy, and plenty of spaciousness to just BE. The mountains of Tahoe boldly make their statement in the distance, reminding me of the strength I possess and the beauty this world has to offer if we decide to simply open our eyes. I’ve spent time with new friends both in Reno and in Truckee, experienced snow both in and out of a hot tub, (totally crazy since it’s the middle of Spring), finally ran my half marathon, attended multiple services at the Center for Spiritual Living, had a spontaneous visit from Aaron and completed the mind map for my book. This feeling of accomplishment and pure joy is all around me and trust me when I say I have NOT taken it for granted. As I was writing out this list of "look at what I did", which doesn’t even include the last week (don’t worry, that’s coming up next), I’m realizing this is why I need to blog weekly people! So much shit has happened in such a short amount of time. If you remember from the first paragraph, I referred to my life as a whirlwind. I was NOT joking!

I have to admit that in the beginning of my time staying with Sheryl and Martin I thought being here was solely about my book. It was almost crazy making when the words would not come and the resistance seemed to rear its ugly head on a daily basis. I would beat myself up about my lack of inspiration. I felt guilty about being here and taking “advantage” of Sheryl and Martin’s support and generosity. All the old bullshit and insecurity from my past decided to visit. Not only were they uninvited, they wanted to share my room with me! You know the old adage, the closer you are getting to your destiny, the more your demons will surface to test your conviction? Well, here they were, those rat bastards and I was about to let them move right on in! I am so grateful for Sheryl and some of my other friends who allowed me to vent and be where I was; yet encouraged me and coached me in to action. The groundwork was what needed the attention.

With the foundation being built I was able to more solidly create from there. Over Memorial weekend I went back to the Bay Area to start shedding some of my material crap in storage. The symbolic shedding was making room for some pretty fantastic opportunities soon to present themselves. That weekend I realized I needed to really reconnect to the creative/art piece, on a daily basis, so I joined Ellen’s daily creative accountability group. Playing with my oil pastel sticks has been so fun! Sally and I also planned out what the rest of our year is going to look like … traveling and experiencing living in new places. I get excited just thinking about it!! A fire was put under my butt being surrounded by these people who I met not even a year ago yet have become INTEGRAL components in my life. I felt a major shift. As I told Sally, my motto for the rest of this year is “Nothing Less than AMAZING!” What that means to me is no more wasting my time, I get to be in action around the things that are important to me, especially those things I have always wanted or seen for myself. This book is happening, traveling the world is happening, intimate connections and love is happening.

Coming back to Reno from that powerful weekend, things have clicked and blossomed in huge ways. I happened upon a quote recently that resonated deeply: “Dedicate your life to a cause greater than yourself and your life will become a glorious romance and adventure”, Mack Thomas. When I said I wanted to be a part of what Sheryl and Martin were up to back in January, I had no idea the truth to that statement either, but just in the last week they have become clear. Sheryl has included me in planning workshops for foster and biological parents to teach them coaching skills here in Washoe County, Nevada. Also, I got to be a part of a grant brainstorming and writing process having to do with added services for foster families. Even being involved in this minor fashion has given me a sense of purpose. The other opportunity that presented itself as I mentioned earlier is Martin inviting me to be a part of a project he has been working on as of late, all about the underwater world and teaching kids to be environmentally conscious in the global sense of the term. It’s about how you treat the world around you, the people around you and of course, fostering self-awareness and self esteem. All of the things that have always been important to me are represented and I get to flex my writing muscles. My best friend Doris and I used to talk about writing kids books ages ago and here is my chance! Plus writing about sea creatures, heck yes!! I also plan to FINALLY get certified in scuba diving so I can go exploring the underwater first hand with Martin! My heart pounds with anticipation every time I imagine myself swimming in the depths and witnessing the beauty and wonder of a world seen by so few people.

As the poetess Sarah MacLachlan so beautifully put it: “I believe this is heaven to no one else but me…”. This is my life, my adventure and I plan to have it be nothing less than AMAZING and I cannot wait to share all of the wonderful discoveries along the way with you all! More often, I promise. Ha ha!

posted by Natalie Vartanian @ 9:01 PM