Retiring the Boxing Gloves and Putting on the Running Shoes
Most of you don’t know this since I’ve kept it on the down low but I am a seasoned boxer in the light heavyweight division. I train regularly and fight matches on and off. Since I’m a natural athlete, I took to the sport fairly quickly. Not to brag (ahem), but there isn’t a bout I haven’t won. I’m really damn good if I do say so myself. However, there is one teensy problem with all of this: I only have one opponent. That main opponent is me. I have participated in this ego-driven game as far back as I can remember. Expectations are set very high and if they are not met, I beat myself up pretty bad. Eventually this leads to feeling guilty for the way I treat myself with the thought that “I should know better”. It’s a vicious cycle and it has got to stop.
The fact that I do this was highlighted in a big way this past week. In my last post I mentioned that I decided to come to Reno to begin working on my book. That was the main part of the agreement for coming here, the other part was that I would help out with whatever projects I could. The latter was definitely happening, but writing the book was almost non-existent. Yes, I created the mind-map and eventually sat down for an interview with Sheryl where she asked me questions about my early childhood. Yet, that was not good enough. I felt super resistant to even beginning any piece of it. I simply did not want to “go there”. Instead of being compassionate with myself or sensitive to the process of excavating some delicate areas in my life, I was impatient, judgmental and harsh. Talk about beating up on someone when they are down. OF COURSE this is hard on me, most of my life growing up was somewhat traumatic and unearthing any of it is bound to send anybody running for the hills. Plus I’ve NEVER written a book before, so how the hell am I supposed to know how any of this goes? I would forget these things and focus on pushing to meet some arbitrary deadline that I was imposing on myself. How that makes any sense, I have no idea!!
It was both Sheryl and Martin saying to me in separate instances, “I see this is still tender for you” and “I see you are struggling” that got ME to see just how much I was neglecting my well being. I get teary even now thinking about how if it were anyone else, my advice would be what I heard from them (“Don’t rush it”, “Take your time”), yet what I told myself was completely different. It’s crazy the things we tell ourselves, whether they are old tapes, new tapes or mixed tapes … the message is usually the same: “You are not good enough!” It’s been a long run in the ring folks, but alas, I feel it is finally time to retire the boxing gloves once and for all.
Obviously since I AM a natural athlete and an endorphin junkie, I decided to trade in the gloves for a shiny new pair of running shoes. Life is a marathon after all, or so they say, and I need all the energy I can get for this race. It’s funny that I have been coming to this realization not only figuratively but also literally. About two years ago I committed to run a half-marathon at some point and began training for it. I didn’t know when that would be exactly but that was the goal. Surprisingly I have been super understanding and patient with myself when it came to the running. No set deadlines or hard-core workouts. I knew I was a beginner and acted like it! I never over-trained and even when I did injure myself (doing lord knows what), I took the time to heal and support my body in repairing itself. So when the opportunity did present itself to run the half-marathon this past May, I knew in my gut I was ready. Did I follow a strict training schedule? Honestly, no. Would I recommend other people do the same? Probably not. However it worked for me since I had been running somewhat regularly for a year and a half and was in great shape physically.
The moral of the story kids: Say no to drugs. I kid. Say yes to drugs. If you want to of course, I'm not trying to peer pressure you or anything. On a serious note though, the way I approached this half-marathon is the way I am choosing to approach my life … slow and steady as opposed to my previous beat up / slave driver tendencies. Plus who wants to go around with a black eye and missing teeth? Or even a broken nose? Call me vain, but I much prefer having my face intact and a killer body to boot any day! Just saying ...
Snowfall, Shedding and Sea Creatures
Where do I even start??? It has not even been a full month since my last post (in addition to coming back from Costa Rica) and the whirlwind that is my life seems to have picked up steam, as opposed to dying down. Thank Goodness for that! By the way, you might want to grab some tea or coffee or take your fifteen-minute break because this is one massive blog post. What can I say, that’s what happens when you don’t write for FOUR weeks!
Who knew when I decided this past January to come live in Reno May through mid-June that so much would have opened up for me? I honestly cannot explain how it came to be. I guess I knew. Deep down in my gut I knew. This is one of the big lessons I am truly learning this year. Maybe it’s not as much a lesson as a confirmation that “I know”. For someone who most of her life has been guided by logic first, and heart second, this idea that your intuition can steer you in the direction you are supposed to head was a pretty foreign and risky concept. Yet I am realizing it cannot be ignored. What possessed me to say YES to Costa Rica was the exact same thing that compelled me to call Reno home for a month; not just Reno, the home of Sheryl and Martin specifically. We get these “hits” all the time, we just don’t listen. And sure, half the time they are probably wrong, yet it’s in following these “moments of inspiration” that we open up to the opportunity of some amazing ass shit happening. Life IS a gamble and you either play or you don’t. One thing is certain though: the chance of winning the pot does not even exist if you don’t show up to the game.
I still recall so vividly the last day of my trip to Reno earlier this year. I stayed at Sheryl and Martin’s house for three nights and they opened their door so enthusiastically to not only me, but some of my friends, as we invited them over for dinner a couple of times that weekend. I went snow shoeing for the first time, saw Lake Tahoe for the first time and attended service at a Spiritual Center they attend for the first time. I felt so nurtured and cared for, so at home. My heart was full despite the emotional roller coaster I was on the last couple of days. To be around a loving, healthy, connected couple brought up some old wounds: I mourned the lack of that love and example throughout my life which hurt, a lot, and it highlighted the harsh reality of being an orphan. Yet, simultaneously, the fact that I got to finally experience being around a “mom and dad” had me on cloud nine, absolutely overflowing with love.
The last day I spent with a friend and since I was spending the night at their place, I said my good byes to my adopted mom and dad after dinner. The next morning, I was literally driving home on the freeway and as I passed where Sheryl and Martin lived, I burst in to uncontrollable tears and the thought “I don’t want to leave, not yet” was on full blast in my brain. I wrestled with it at first, wondering why I was being silly and trying to pull myself together. Yet the feeling in my gut was wrenching, so instead of ignoring it, or listening to the other voice that was saying “Don’t overextend your welcome Natalie. They have probably had enough of you”, I heeded my intuition, which was saying “There is some unfinished business between the three of you.” I called Sheryl right away and asked if I could come over for tea on my way home. I stopped by their house and spent the majority of the day with them, which led me to understand why the draw back was so strong. After feeling how much I wanted to be a part of all they were up to, as well as knowing it was their energy I wanted to be around as I begin the arduous process of writing my book, I shared my scheme of returning to live with them for a month in May. When they both agreed that was a great idea without so much as a pause, I finally felt complete.
This last month has been amazing in such a subtle and understated way. Much in the same way that Costa Rica turned out to be a trip about remembering to enjoy the simple things and return to my own healing process, being here offered a continuation of exactly that. Reno has provided a lovely backdrop of stunning snow capped mountains, tranquil small town energy, and plenty of spaciousness to just BE. The mountains of Tahoe boldly make their statement in the distance, reminding me of the strength I possess and the beauty this world has to offer if we decide to simply open our eyes. I’ve spent time with new friends both in Reno and in Truckee, experienced snow both in and out of a hot tub, (totally crazy since it’s the middle of Spring), finally ran my half marathon, attended multiple services at the Center for Spiritual Living, had a spontaneous visit from Aaron and completed the mind map for my book. This feeling of accomplishment and pure joy is all around me and trust me when I say I have NOT taken it for granted. As I was writing out this list of "look at what I did", which doesn’t even include the last week (don’t worry, that’s coming up next), I’m realizing this is why I need to blog weekly people! So much shit has happened in such a short amount of time. If you remember from the first paragraph, I referred to my life as a whirlwind. I was NOT joking!
I have to admit that in the beginning of my time staying with Sheryl and Martin I thought being here was solely about my book. It was almost crazy making when the words would not come and the resistance seemed to rear its ugly head on a daily basis. I would beat myself up about my lack of inspiration. I felt guilty about being here and taking “advantage” of Sheryl and Martin’s support and generosity. All the old bullshit and insecurity from my past decided to visit. Not only were they uninvited, they wanted to share my room with me! You know the old adage, the closer you are getting to your destiny, the more your demons will surface to test your conviction? Well, here they were, those rat bastards and I was about to let them move right on in! I am so grateful for Sheryl and some of my other friends who allowed me to vent and be where I was; yet encouraged me and coached me in to action. The groundwork was what needed the attention.
With the foundation being built I was able to more solidly create from there. Over Memorial weekend I went back to the Bay Area to start shedding some of my material crap in storage. The symbolic shedding was making room for some pretty fantastic opportunities soon to present themselves. That weekend I realized I needed to really reconnect to the creative/art piece, on a daily basis, so I joined Ellen’s daily creative accountability group. Playing with my oil pastel sticks has been so fun! Sally and I also planned out what the rest of our year is going to look like … traveling and experiencing living in new places. I get excited just thinking about it!! A fire was put under my butt being surrounded by these people who I met not even a year ago yet have become INTEGRAL components in my life. I felt a major shift. As I told Sally, my motto for the rest of this year is “Nothing Less than AMAZING!” What that means to me is no more wasting my time, I get to be in action around the things that are important to me, especially those things I have always wanted or seen for myself. This book is happening, traveling the world is happening, intimate connections and love is happening.
Coming back to Reno from that powerful weekend, things have clicked and blossomed in huge ways. I happened upon a quote recently that resonated deeply: “Dedicate your life to a cause greater than yourself and your life will become a glorious romance and adventure”, Mack Thomas. When I said I wanted to be a part of what Sheryl and Martin were up to back in January, I had no idea the truth to that statement either, but just in the last week they have become clear. Sheryl has included me in planning workshops for foster and biological parents to teach them coaching skills here in Washoe County, Nevada. Also, I got to be a part of a grant brainstorming and writing process having to do with added services for foster families. Even being involved in this minor fashion has given me a sense of purpose. The other opportunity that presented itself as I mentioned earlier is Martin inviting me to be a part of a project he has been working on as of late, all about the underwater world and teaching kids to be environmentally conscious in the global sense of the term. It’s about how you treat the world around you, the people around you and of course, fostering self-awareness and self esteem. All of the things that have always been important to me are represented and I get to flex my writing muscles. My best friend Doris and I used to talk about writing kids books ages ago and here is my chance! Plus writing about sea creatures, heck yes!! I also plan to FINALLY get certified in scuba diving so I can go exploring the underwater first hand with Martin! My heart pounds with anticipation every time I imagine myself swimming in the depths and witnessing the beauty and wonder of a world seen by so few people.
As the poetess Sarah MacLachlan so beautifully put it: “I believe this is heaven to no one else but me…”. This is my life, my adventure and I plan to have it be nothing less than AMAZING and I cannot wait to share all of the wonderful discoveries along the way with you all! More often, I promise. Ha ha!
